How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Reblogging because there are some sassy little shits out there.
Just some tips I’ve collected from the serial killers of tumblr
just reblogging with my original tags because people liked them:
#murder tips #thats an odd tag #just posting a series of murder tips #nothing big #people reblog this #this is gold #COME ON REBLOG #what can i tag this with so more people will see it #murder #killing #blood #i guess #um #stabby stab #shooty shoot #CATCH A MARLIN #okay thats all i gotI think it’s time to bring this back
Also, industrial-grade lye can dissolve flesh VERY QUICKLY. There’s a lot of heat given off while that happens, burning with heat as well as chemicals. This is how you make soap! So yeah… turn your enemies into soap by throwing Lye on them. (preferably after they’re already dead. People can easily survive acid burns, it just disfigures and hurts like a bitch) It’s a fairly inexpensive way to reduce a body down to bones and fleshy slush.
If you feel the need to commit arson as well as murder, you can always wrap their body in an electrical blanket, and light the blanket on fire. Remember only to light in one area - multiple ignition points shows that the incident was intentional…. To make sure the fire spreads quickly, drape blankets for the fire to spread outward, and maybe give them a glass of something alcoholic to spill while they were ‘sleeping’
You could always put the chunks of body in a hospital’s bio-waste disposal. They have to get rid of Cadavers somehow. They put the bits into barrels, then the Barrels are dumped into a grinder at a waste disposal plant - If it comes from a hospital, the people there are used to seeing hands and human bones and occasionally a head from Cadavers. Sometimes a skull will jam the grinder, and they have to poke at it until it goes free and crunches properly.
Anyway, that’d be pretty hard to do unless you worked at a hospital or waste disposal place - both of them are pretty nitpicky about how many barrels are sent and received.
There’s also those car-crusher machines. Put a body in the trunk and Hey! People pancake.
Can’t forget the ‘slip a body into cement between pourings’. I hear the mob favored that technique.
Next week on “I swear I’m not a murderer, I’ve just had very strange jobs, and I write horror stories as a hobby” We can talk about the weird shit that people want to dispose of that can incriminate them as Drug users!